We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i love accidental penises.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
