I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
