he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
