apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
