Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
