she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
