Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
