I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
