We got so high we made milksteak
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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