hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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