I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
