Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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