my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Blood and glitter go together right?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
