I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Porn is love you can see.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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