i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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