Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
