I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
