I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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