Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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