I puked a lego.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
