There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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