If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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