mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
