Who did Billy Mays play for?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
