did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
