I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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