We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
