We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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