I just saw a hot homeless man
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
