my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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