a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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