i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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