Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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