Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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