True but thats because hes a fetus.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
