my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
