I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
