I cockslap morals
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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