oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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