Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
