i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
