I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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