Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
