24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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