You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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