someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh god the rape fog is back!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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