I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
