I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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