throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
