Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
