Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
