i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.