The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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