every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night