I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."