u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
