I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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