positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
